hindsight.

Apr. 20th, 2009 03:05 pm
jitterbug: (art - good lost)
i've been turned off LJ ever since that writer's block question about your first journal entry. after reading my first entry, back in march of 2001, i went on to read the second entry and the third and fourth... an hour later i was in absolute awe of my own stupidity. the first year of my journaling chronicles little else besides my relationship with p. i met him in september of 2000 but we didn't connect until a few months later. we started "dating" in february of 2001, a few weeks before i discovered LJ.

looking back through those early entries hurts. from the first weeks of my relationship with him i knew exactly what i was setting myself up for. entry after entry of "i know i'm setting myself up", "he makes me sick to my stomach", "i don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth" and yet, somehow, someway, it took 6 years of heartache to finally rid my life of his vile presence.

i kept justifying my involvement with him by telling myself and others that it's not as if i'm sitting home crying on the days he decides i'm not good enough for him. and it was true enough. while i did more than a fair share of crying, especially in the earlier days, i also kept on keeping on; enjoying the company of my friends and forming far more fruitful relationships. the problem was that never during those breaks was i truly free of him. he'd vanish for a few days then come back and if i ignored him he'd stalk me, call my friends, send me 100 text messages a night, wait for me on my fire escape.
eventually i'd loose my resolve to stay as far away from him as possible [after all, i did love him madly. i have no idea why but so it was.] and settle into waiting until next day/week/month when he'd inevitably decide to break up with me again.

i spent 6 years asking myself -- "what the fuck is wrong with you? why do you keep doing this to yourself?" unable to come with any answers, i continued going at it.

what i can't stand now is looking at those 6 years, looking at the insight i had from the first moment yet did nothing about. it makes me angry that i was ever foolish enough to come back for more and more and more. i remember writing an entry about how i felt inferior to pavlov's dogs, because, unlike them, no amount of lather rinse repeat conditioned me to stop doing what i was doing.

12/01/2002
[voice mail from p after i told him i loved him] you're a soulless, empty, shallow, easy, naive, fuck of a fuck. fuck you.


12/02/2002
he came by my house with a bouquet of flowers. he shaved his head. it hurt to see him. he said he's not here to talk, just to give me flowers and beg for my forgiveness. he left. he called to ask if i'll ever forgive him. i told him i can't be on the phone with him and if there's anything good left in him, he needs to let me be right now. he let me go. he text me saying he wants to die in front of me to make me feel good. how dramatic.


and a few days later: it only took him 5 days to get through to me. i asked him to tell me honestly whether he thinks it would be the right move to forgive him. he said "no". i felt strange all night because i keep thinking i should be angrier...but i'm not and i can't fabricate it for the sake of pleasing myself. i was too tired to fight after i dragged myself home at 10 pm last night after class and found him on my doorstep. i haven't forgiven, but i'm no longer pissed.

in this manner we spent another 4 years.

it makes me angry that up until i started reading those entries i had no idea how angry i was and it makes me even angrier that it is STILL not p i'm angry at. i wish him well and i hope he found peace to calm his psychotic mind. i'm angry at myself for being ignorant of my own knowledge. always.

i'm angry at myself for being unable to feel and retain anger at others. always.
jitterbug: (kfh - lurve.)
making a post about one's personal life in a public sphere is rarely a good idea.
people, myself included, base their judgment on limited one-sided information that does not encompass the entire situation at hand. the best one can offer is surface judgment formed on a few words that could never contain the depth of an interpersonal relationship with all its nuances, strengths, and delicacies. i should have known better.

...

Jul. 22nd, 2008 01:09 am
jitterbug: (khf - for.sleep's.sake)
for the zillionth time, today i was reminded of my inability to connect with the majority of the human race. oddly, this reminder was served by 5 different strangers who decided to strike up convesation[s?] with me. trains, streets, stores, parks -- hello! wheredidyougtyourshoes yourbabyisbeautiful doyouhavealight it'sawfullyhotout isthatanambernecklace. they make small talk appear effortless, enjoyable even, while i'm either struggling for words or planning my get-away. ugh. the upside is that rare conversation that falls right into place. i love it.

my feet are killing me from walking downtown from 34th street. anything to avoid a rush hour subway station. that aside, elly and i had a long, fun, busy day.

ian and i had a fight. sometimes i want to pack my bags and leave. i always end up feeling dirty when i blog about any negativity in our relationship, so i never bother.

my eye is twitching. i'm not going to buy a pack of smokes. i'm not going to buy a pack of smokes. maybe i am . it's that kind of night.

...

Jul. 16th, 2008 12:00 pm
jitterbug: (AinW)
backstory: right before i met ian, i had a fling with this guy, d. it was very brief, not at all serious, and i cut it off after i met ian.

the last time i saw him was back in september of '06. he picked me up, we went for a drive, i told him i met someone, he dropped me off.

the last time i heard from him was in december of '06. he text me to see if i was still involved with ian. i told him i was and kindly asked him not to contact me again. the end. haven't heard from him since.

last night i get a text from a # i don't recognize.
"hi isana". "who is this?" - i respond. "it's d. are you married yet?".

a. why in the world would you contact somebody after almost 2 years of not seeing them? [especially considering how insignificant your relationship was]

b. i have no idea if i should respond or just ignore his text.

.what.

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