.

Apr. 23rd, 2009 08:59 pm
jitterbug: (art - kfh - further still)
  • after 20 months of sleeping through the night and many months of being able to soothe herself to sleep, sprout stopped self-soothing and also started waking up in the middle of the night. this is a whole new world for me and it's taking a toll -- i'm exhausted. a couple times over the last week i lost it completely and told sprout i'm turning her in for a refund.
  • one of my english courses this semester is incredibly challenging. the content is relatively approachable but the depth of critical analysis during class discussion is astounding. i find myself questioning my intelligence and feeling inferior to my classmates. i realize how petty that sounds but this is not something i've ever experienced before in an academic setting and i have yet to find a positive way to take this in.
  • my grandmother's mental health is steadily declining. i called her yesterday and found myself growing annoyed and making excuses to get off the phone. i know that my annoyance is not directed at her. it's frustration at feeling helpless at watching her brain slowly turn to mush. i really want to gather the patience to listen to the same story over and over again...
  • my mental health is steadily declining. i've been seriously considering going back on medication before all hell breaks loose but i'm not convinced that the price i'll pay [both literally and figuratively] is worth it.
dinner: i made a stir-fry with tofu, carrots, edamame, chestnuts, snow peas and a pineapple teriyaki sauce which tasted like ass. how does anyone mess up a stir-fry? i also made puff pastry with brie and strawberry jam; that, along with a glass of soy milk ended up being my dinner.

lost.
book.
sex.
bed.
not necessarily in that order.


jitterbug: (art - jump)
looking over my journal, the last month or so consist largely of 365 photos. i haven't been feeling focused or inspired enough to write and it makes me a tad sad. despite feeling wearisome and overwhelming on both academic and personal fronts, march has also been filled with wonderful moments that i would like to be able to look back on. school really does eat my brain. every week i read hundreds of pages of various fiction and non-fiction texts and write about 10+ pages in papers and projects. i find myself without time to read for pleasure and turned off at the idea of touching a pen and/or keyboard unless absolutely necessary. bah.

it's been a rather lazy 3 days.
on friday a couple friends, eloise, and i spent the entire day at the korean baths, soaking, steaming, and exfoliating. while trying to get eloise down for a nap in the sleeping area, a pregnant korean girl struck up a conversation with me. she was personable and sweet but a few comments she made left me dumbfounded. she has a 3 year old son and is due in may with a girl. she went on and on about how beautiful eloise is, and that aside from good health she's really hoping her baby will look just like eloise -- big eyes, long eyelashes, and eyelid creases. this was followed by a chat about her husband's height; at 6'2 "he never feels the [silent] competition that all korean men feel around white men". she also inquired about breastfeeding, leaning toward me to whisper that she was young and selfish when she had her son and chose to formula feed because she heard that breastfeeding will make her boobs sag. she had a c-section with her son and asked me if i had eloise naturally [vaginally]. she's going for a vbac with her daughter and asked me if her vagina will get really stretched out after giving birth. i didn't mind the birth/breastfeeding questions but i have to admit to being more than a little surprised by them because of her age. she was 25. i think my agespectations [it's a word now] need to be reexamined. as for the other comments, well, those served as an unpleasant reminder of the extent to which the idea of dominant western beauty still impacts our society. in 2009, in queens, a korean woman who's lived the last 10 years in the US wishes her daughter could be born with physical characteristics pertinent to a different race. sad. after we left the sleeping area and went back down to the baths, adge told me that to this day, whenever she visits the philippines, her well-off grandparents chase her with an umbrella in order to assure that she won't get a suntan and look like a peasant.

saturday morning i woke up with eloise and took her to her music together make-up class. eloise is in love with the saturday morning instructor. she sits on her lap during the class [she doesn't sit still for anyone. ever.] and hugs her non-stop. after class she asks seung-hee to pick her up and she'll stay in seung-hee arms forever, happy as a clam. she starts crying when i try to get her dressed to leave and seung-hee has to stand by her side while i dress her. when she's dressed and ready to go, seung-hee has to carry her outside and say bye-bye. it's cute and heartbreaking at the same time. after the class i took eloise out for breakfast and we took a walk around the neighborhood. she into pointing out every single animal she sees, real or a window display, so it takes a looooong time to walk 10 blocks. we came home, i put her down for a nap and took a 4 hour nap myself. for the rest of the day/evening i was a permanent fixture on the couch.

today ian let me sleep in. we went to 2 boots to get lunch, came home, and i settled right back into my butt imprint on the couch. i finally feel like i'm starting to unwind and it's back to monday again. joy.

i'm looking forward to spring break.


march 22, 2009. 46/365

eloise at two boots; a morsel of food rests on her ear.



 

365

Mar. 14th, 2009 11:34 pm
jitterbug: (AinW - wall picture)
march 14, 2009. 38/365
my brother.


jitterbug: (fk - ....)
my father is angry at me because i wouldn't let him drive eloise home after drinking a bottle of tequila last night at my cousin's 25th birthday party. we went in one car and both ian and i got hammered thinking that pops wasn't planning to drink. when the time to leave came, my father stuttered something about how he can drive. no, sorry, not with my kid in the car. he threw a fit; cursing and yelling.

this is a few months after he got drunk, crashed into a tree, and banged up my mother's face so badly that she had to have a couple plastic surgeries to have her features readjusted.

what an idiot.
jitterbug: (Default)
dad's computer crashed. i took a look at it this morning. the dell diagnostic code made troubleshooting pretty darn easy -- crashed memory module on the system board. i removed the memory card, restarted the computer, and everything is back in working order. logged in. dad's desktop is covered in avi files of the real_female_orgasms variety. logged out promptly.

i realize that fathers are people too, they watch porn, but holy eff, i don't want to know about it. in fact, i think i just threw up in my mouth a little.

this reminds me of when ally went out to dinner with her mom and aunt, came back, then quickly downed a couple cocktails. turns out her mom and aunt decided to have a heart to heart about anal at dinner.

...call me close-minded...

monday.

Dec. 22nd, 2008 09:29 am
jitterbug: (winter blossom)





it's 9:40am, it's probably not getting much warmer out, and i have a final tonight. i really need to gather the motivation to go out there and finish christmas shopping for ian's family.

my brother gets a hat full of douche points for saying he'll help me out today, but not picking up the phone when i call to wake him up. i don't know why i ever expect him to stick to any plan we make if that plan is before 6pm. actually... i'm the one who gets the douche points. only an idiot will have something happen a zillion times and think it'll be different next time round.

shower time.

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