jitterbug: (art - horse)
may 1st, 2009. 87/365.
jitterbug: (i'm angry - dead)
today my parents are leaving for 9 days in st. maarten. i don't begrudge them time off and it would be none of my business when they chose to go on their holidays was it not for one thing -- we have an agreement that they'll take care of eloise while i'm in school. this wasn't something i asked for. when i was applying to grad school my mother volunteered her free baby-sitting services. i accepted the offer because aside from college daycare [an issue i can't stand to bitch about again], it was the only feasible way for us to assure childcare without accumulating copious debt.

the times that i need their help the most are around midterms and finals. this academic year they went away in december [finals], end of march [midterms], and now may [finals]. i'm pretty sure my mom went to boston during fall midterms as well.

they know i rely on them for childcare and the fact that they choose to go away every time i need them most says to me that either a. they don't give a shit or b. it's a power-trip.

yesterday i was speaking to mom.
mom: i can't believe i have to go on vacation now. we think your grandpa might have cancer. the doctors are doing a biopsy tomorrow. while we are gone, don't forget that you have elderly grandparents here.
me: ....

she has to take a vacation? on what planet are vacations something that we have to do? and the grandparent guilt trip is ridiculous. yea, they are my grandparents, but they are her parents. never mind that she's dropping me w/out childcare during the toughest part of the semester.

perhaps i expect too much.

365.

Apr. 30th, 2009 09:54 am
jitterbug: (art - kfh - further still)
------------------



april 28th, 2009. 84/365.
 

april 29th, 2009. 85/365.


april 30th, 2009. 86/365.
vegetable lasagna
 
 

jitterbug: (art - khf - for sleep's sake)
i didn't expect the rangers to go all the way this season with their lackluster offense and abysmal power play but i am pretty shocked that they blew a 3-1 lead and allowed the caps to win 3 games straight. very disappointing... i want to bitch about the first goal the caps scored tonight, on second thought however, what's the point? fluke or not, a goal is a goal and in the end nothing matters but the numbers on the scoreboard.

i'm curious about what will happen in the off-season. there are guys who are just not performing at the level that's expected of them -- naslund, drury, and redden must go. gomez is a hit and miss and if he doesn't step up, he needs to go too. i like gomez a lot, and drury, despite having the personality of a rock, seems like a good guy, but guess what! these guys don't get paid to be nice. mostly, i wish sather would get the boot. how many more misses will he get before the owners decide that his edmonton glory years are over. the guy doesn't know how to put a team together. period.

the only thing that makes the end of the ranger season a little easier is the CRAZY loss the devils had to endure in their game 7. leading 3-2 with under 2 minutes left is not a sure bet for winning but it's damn close to a win, or at least overtime. aaaaaaaaannnnnd the devils blew it when pompous asshat marty allowed 2 goals in the last 1:50. that was the most insane end to a playoff game that i have seen in 20 years of watching hockey.

eh.

365.

Apr. 27th, 2009 11:01 am
jitterbug: (flowers - asian inspired)
april 27th, 2009. 83/365.
simona @ brooklyn botanical gardens

365.

Apr. 26th, 2009 11:49 am
jitterbug: (art - flying man)
april 26th. 82/365.

365.

Apr. 25th, 2009 12:42 pm
jitterbug: (Default)
sidenote to self: eloise broke my memory card. all the pictures between the 20th and 28th were taken with a camera phone or other people's cameras when available. for some reason my phone won't let me e-mail the fone camera pictures to myself. everything between april 20th and may 4th is also posted out of chronological order.

april 25th, 2009. 81/365.

+1 )

today.

Apr. 25th, 2009 01:54 am
jitterbug: (spring/summer - laying grass)
this old goodie will never fail to crack me up.

i'm lo-brow, sunburnt, exhausted, sore, and happy.

.

Apr. 23rd, 2009 08:59 pm
jitterbug: (art - kfh - further still)
  • after 20 months of sleeping through the night and many months of being able to soothe herself to sleep, sprout stopped self-soothing and also started waking up in the middle of the night. this is a whole new world for me and it's taking a toll -- i'm exhausted. a couple times over the last week i lost it completely and told sprout i'm turning her in for a refund.
  • one of my english courses this semester is incredibly challenging. the content is relatively approachable but the depth of critical analysis during class discussion is astounding. i find myself questioning my intelligence and feeling inferior to my classmates. i realize how petty that sounds but this is not something i've ever experienced before in an academic setting and i have yet to find a positive way to take this in.
  • my grandmother's mental health is steadily declining. i called her yesterday and found myself growing annoyed and making excuses to get off the phone. i know that my annoyance is not directed at her. it's frustration at feeling helpless at watching her brain slowly turn to mush. i really want to gather the patience to listen to the same story over and over again...
  • my mental health is steadily declining. i've been seriously considering going back on medication before all hell breaks loose but i'm not convinced that the price i'll pay [both literally and figuratively] is worth it.
dinner: i made a stir-fry with tofu, carrots, edamame, chestnuts, snow peas and a pineapple teriyaki sauce which tasted like ass. how does anyone mess up a stir-fry? i also made puff pastry with brie and strawberry jam; that, along with a glass of soy milk ended up being my dinner.

lost.
book.
sex.
bed.
not necessarily in that order.


jitterbug: (art - jump)
we started c25k on saturday. i'm still in pain and it's hard to believe that i'll ever be able to run for 2 minutes straight, much less 30 minutes straight! looking forward to running again tonight.

hindsight.

Apr. 20th, 2009 03:05 pm
jitterbug: (art - good lost)
i've been turned off LJ ever since that writer's block question about your first journal entry. after reading my first entry, back in march of 2001, i went on to read the second entry and the third and fourth... an hour later i was in absolute awe of my own stupidity. the first year of my journaling chronicles little else besides my relationship with p. i met him in september of 2000 but we didn't connect until a few months later. we started "dating" in february of 2001, a few weeks before i discovered LJ.

looking back through those early entries hurts. from the first weeks of my relationship with him i knew exactly what i was setting myself up for. entry after entry of "i know i'm setting myself up", "he makes me sick to my stomach", "i don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth" and yet, somehow, someway, it took 6 years of heartache to finally rid my life of his vile presence.

i kept justifying my involvement with him by telling myself and others that it's not as if i'm sitting home crying on the days he decides i'm not good enough for him. and it was true enough. while i did more than a fair share of crying, especially in the earlier days, i also kept on keeping on; enjoying the company of my friends and forming far more fruitful relationships. the problem was that never during those breaks was i truly free of him. he'd vanish for a few days then come back and if i ignored him he'd stalk me, call my friends, send me 100 text messages a night, wait for me on my fire escape.
eventually i'd loose my resolve to stay as far away from him as possible [after all, i did love him madly. i have no idea why but so it was.] and settle into waiting until next day/week/month when he'd inevitably decide to break up with me again.

i spent 6 years asking myself -- "what the fuck is wrong with you? why do you keep doing this to yourself?" unable to come with any answers, i continued going at it.

what i can't stand now is looking at those 6 years, looking at the insight i had from the first moment yet did nothing about. it makes me angry that i was ever foolish enough to come back for more and more and more. i remember writing an entry about how i felt inferior to pavlov's dogs, because, unlike them, no amount of lather rinse repeat conditioned me to stop doing what i was doing.

12/01/2002
[voice mail from p after i told him i loved him] you're a soulless, empty, shallow, easy, naive, fuck of a fuck. fuck you.


12/02/2002
he came by my house with a bouquet of flowers. he shaved his head. it hurt to see him. he said he's not here to talk, just to give me flowers and beg for my forgiveness. he left. he called to ask if i'll ever forgive him. i told him i can't be on the phone with him and if there's anything good left in him, he needs to let me be right now. he let me go. he text me saying he wants to die in front of me to make me feel good. how dramatic.


and a few days later: it only took him 5 days to get through to me. i asked him to tell me honestly whether he thinks it would be the right move to forgive him. he said "no". i felt strange all night because i keep thinking i should be angrier...but i'm not and i can't fabricate it for the sake of pleasing myself. i was too tired to fight after i dragged myself home at 10 pm last night after class and found him on my doorstep. i haven't forgiven, but i'm no longer pissed.

in this manner we spent another 4 years.

it makes me angry that up until i started reading those entries i had no idea how angry i was and it makes me even angrier that it is STILL not p i'm angry at. i wish him well and i hope he found peace to calm his psychotic mind. i'm angry at myself for being ignorant of my own knowledge. always.

i'm angry at myself for being unable to feel and retain anger at others. always.
jitterbug: (Default)
+9 )
jitterbug: (baby - coke)
eloise was playing alone in her room for 10 minutes. i could hear shouts of delight coming from her room and i wondered what she could be enjoying that much since she never plays with her toys. i walk in to find her happily digging her fingers into my brand-new, just-bought, never-used skull shadow box and painting herself, her furniture, and her curtains.

she had her eye on this shadowbox since she noticed it in the bathroom days ago.

i'm riding the train between incredibly irritated and thoroughly amused at how cute she looked with eyeshadow all over her face.

365

Apr. 4th, 2009 11:42 pm
jitterbug: (art - love again)
april 4, 2009. 60/365.
in the middle of making a mirror frame.


365

Apr. 3rd, 2009 08:08 pm
jitterbug: (art - good lost)
april 3, 2009. 59/365.
after 14 months my hair is finally long enough for a pig[?]ponytail.
                       photobooth kind of sucks.

...

Apr. 2nd, 2009 09:41 pm
jitterbug: (art - on a hill)
i'm sitting in the car waiting for 5 loads of laundry to dry, eating a burger and fries from five guys, and listening to the rangers v. carolina game on 1050AM. last night ian said something that ticked me off fiercely. we are not not talking but there's tension in the house that i didn't want to deal with. i left to do laundry. errands. school work @ starbucks. now this.

i'm alone for first time in months. solitude. what a heavenly break.

+ evidence. )
jitterbug: (lost - sawyer.)
now that sawyer is all shacked up with juliet and playing mr. nice guy, i find him about as attractive as a log. sayid however, the eyes the angst the killer streak... mmmmMmm.

i'm going to watch last night's episode now, if i don't fall asleep that is. man, i got crap sleep last night. and the night before. and the night before that.
jitterbug: (i'm angry - dead)
let's say you have something that other people want*. you don't need this something anymore and offer it to someone for a price of $1. someone #1 gives you $1 and you promise to give them the something in the near future. in the meantime, someone #2
finds out about your something and offers you $3 for it saying that they really want this something and would love to pay more for it if that's what it takes to get it.

is it wrong to give someone #1 their $1 back and offer the something to someone #2? keep in mind that you have no personal ties with either one of the someones. it would be as easy as saying "hey someone #1, i'm sorry but i lost the something. here's a refund", or, "hey someone #1, someone offered me $3 for the something. sorry!"

*"want" NOT "need"

i want to do it but it doesn't sit right with me. what would you do?

365

Apr. 1st, 2009 10:05 pm
jitterbug: (art - pensive)
april 1, 2009. 57/365.
kntting. warm ice colorway from purewool.

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